When everyone hears that I’m staying home for the next year, their reaction is, “aren’t you excited?” This week I finished up my last days of teaching for the next year. As I left, everyone echoed the excitement I’m supposed to be feeling.
Does it make me a bad mom if I say I’m actually not excited?
I have a confession~ I’m scared to become a Stay At Home Mom!
First, I want to say that I’m very grateful that my husband and I have set ourselves up so that I can take this opportunity. I’m thankful to my husband for being selfless enough to be the sole provider and that he isn’t pushing me to find another job. But that being said, I still have very mixed emotions about staying home.
Maybe it’s because Tyler has been extra needy this last week (think: hanging off my pant leg whining until I pick him up.. EVERY moment he is awake) or because I will no longer be defined by my career, but lack of one, but I’m nervous for this new adventure!
Are there any other SAHM’s that feel the same? Everyone I meet says how “it’s the most rewarding job there is,” but I’m skeptical. Here’s why:
- I love my child. His smile makes me melt. But when I think of having a life that consists of all baby activities from the time I wake until he goes to bed at night, that thought is scary. I’m not scared to take care of him, but rather, I think I’m scared about how I will take care of me. Specifically, how I will stimulate myself intellectually so that I have fulfillment. I remember maternity leave and at the end I felt a bit like a prisoner in my own home. I can’t find complete satisfaction from a clean house, making a cooked meal, and taking care of the baby. So I fear the challenge of making sure that I have fulfillment of my own each day. As Tyler moves towards less naps and more attention… and I think to the next baby coming, I see myself getting lost in the shuffle.
- How are we going to live without my salary? I’m human… I like to spend money. However, now I’m not going to have my own money. I haven’t been in this predicament since before highschool and you know what? It’s scary! I don’t want to have to turn to my husband for allowance, and let’s face it…most fun things cost money. I am nervous to be a prisoner to my home because I won’t be able to spend money like I did before. I have some feminist in me and that pride won’t allow me to rely solely on a man for money. So I know until I have my own part-time something I won’t be content. Luckily, I already have one potential part-time job in the works, so hopefully this fear will be alleviated.
I’m also nervous about how this change in funds will effect my family. It will mean smaller holiday gifts and gulp…no vacations. I can’t imagine a world without vacations, but until I can find a way to earn some money, that’s the life we will lead. I worry that it will disappoint the older berries who may not understand the costs and need to stay home with the two younger kids (is it too early to teach them how little a teacher makes?).
3. What if I’m lonely? Again, I love my little man and I don’t mind us becoming besties, but this could quickly get a bit lonely. I know that I won’t feel this way during the summer because all my friends are teachers and available, not to mention there are three kids in the house to entertain. But what happens when everyone goes back to school…everyone but me? That already has some anxiety building up inside me. People have recommended I seek out mom groups, and I guess that is the avenue I will go, but as a teacher, I never had to worry about loneliness before.
So, all you SAHM’s out there…got any advice for the no-longer-closet-SAHMphobia? What are some tricks that help you find purpose, make money, or just keep busy so you aren’t lonely? I’d love to hear what you have to say and stay tuned to see how I adjust in this next year!